EVENT 1 - GIRL
This morning I hear Quinn cry from the bathroom. In the living room I drop what I’m doing and begin doing that parent half walk / half sprint / half run thing when you think your child might be in horrible danger but you don’t want to set yourself into a total panic so you try to keep it all under control. I round the corner in the hallway, imagining that she’s fallen off the step stool leading up to the sink or cracked her head on the tub or slipped on the floor.
Skidding around the corner and ready for anything, I leap into the bathroom and find… that she’s sitting on her potty chair with all of her pajamas on and is just really frustrated that she can’t properly go to the bathroom.
I kneel down and say, “Do you need to use the potty? Here… let’s take your pajamas off”. I unbutton the pink and white onesie thing that she’s wearing and she grabs my shoulders while she steps her feet out. I grab the front of her diaper and zip-zip!, the sticky tabs peel off and the soggy yellow thing falls to the floor and Quinn shouts, “OH YEAH!”
She sounds so much like The Kool-Aid man that my wife starts laughing from the other room.
EVENT 2 - BOY
This morning while I was getting ready for work my son kept running through the house, grabbing his butt cheeks and screaming, “Poopie! Poopie!”
Now, I’m not mind reader but… assumably, this means he has to go to the bathroom. I kneel down next to him and say, “Rory… do you need to go potty?” and he screams “NO!” and then throws himself on the ground and begins wailing.
I walk away and this process repeats itself and is still going on when I’m finally heading to work.
Who knows, this process might just be his pre-game warm up.
BONUS!!!!!!! EVENT 3 - BOY & GIRL
Two days ago I woke up around 7am with the strongest urge to pee I’ve ever had in my life. I turned 30 and my bladder just went, “I’m done! I give up!” I walk to the bathroom and see that my kids’ bedroom door is open.
Now, this is weird. This is completely unnatural… I can only liken it to you waking up and realizing that someone has entered your house, opened every window you have and turned on every single appliance. You’d be like, “What the heck happened here?! Was someone in my house!?”… which is pretty much exactly how I felt. I slowly swung the door open and took a step inside… then another… then another… and the whole time I’m hoping and praying that the light and angles and positioning of the blankets are playing tricks on my eyes.
My kids are gone.
Both cribs are empty.
I turned around and ran to the back door… which was also hanging open and both my dogs were outside. This is where I say the F-word seventeen times and that panic that I forced down when I heard Quinn crying in the bathroom comes rising up through my stomach and into my throat and out through all of my limbs and I think I’m going to be sick. That panic is here now and there is no holding it back. It’s a wild beast and it’s tearing away at me and I can’t think straight.
My brother-in-law had stayed the night and had decided to crash on our couch… in our backyard (long story that is neither here nor there). So it’s presumable that he had come in at some point to use the restroom and then went back to his “bed” and left the door open and let the dogs out. I rush back into the kids room just to double check. I mean, I know… I KNOW THAT MY KIDS ARE GONE but I have no idea what to do or what I’m even thinking. Maybe if I check again they’ll be here– WAS SOMEONE IN MY HOUSE??!!! DID SOMEONE STEAL MY CHILDREN?! WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN!!??
[INSERT MORE R-RATED EXPLETIVES]
I turn and I run into our bedroom and I bend down to start shaking Jade and I have no idea what I’m about to say but it’s just going to start pouring out and we’re going to be on the news tonight and WHY DIDN’T MY DOGS BARK WHERE ARE MY KIDS?!… and they’re lying in bed next to Jade.
My wife opens her eyes and looks at me and says, “Good morning” and I say, “The kids… I went into their room and it was… empty.”
And my wife says, “Ick. I bet that was scary”.
I reach out and touch Rory’s foot and Quinn’s head.
[INSERT RELIEF FILLED EXPLETIVE]