EVENT 1 - GIRL
My daughter is broken. I don’t know when it happened or how it happened or maybe she was just born this way… I’m not really sure. She loves spankings; revels in them. Soaks in their cold sting and raw delight. And yes, before we press on, I said the S-word. I said “Spanking” with a capital S. The Brookbanks spank their children. Open handed, on the rump, thwap-thwap-thwap, spank our children and we do it without disclaimer or apology.
My son hates it and reacts accordingly; he throws himself to the ground, weeping and thrashing in over exaggerated pain, gripping his red butt cheeks, tears streaming down his face (ps, it really does hurt me more than it hurts you) but my daughter is another thing altogether. She’s a dementor (Harry Potter reference) that thrives off of pain.
At dinner tonight my son put his foot on the table and we said, “Put it down” and he did… only to put it up a second time. We say, “Your foot does not belong on the table. Put it down or you’re getting a spanking”. He knows the S-word and we’ve warned him twice now; a third time and his rumpus is fair game. One, two, three, four, five little piggies slowly wiggle over the lip of the table and he plants his heel firmly on the tabletop. My wife gets up, stands our son up in his chair and, “We said do not put your feet on the table. You’re getting a spanking.”
Boy throws himself to the floor, waterworks ensue, screaming begins. When he finally calms down and is ready to return to the table… you’d better believe that his feet stayed underneath him.
My daughter is another story altogether though, which is just a testament to children, even being as young as they are, having their own individual bends and personalities. She puts her foot on the table and, being fair to her, we give her three chances as well. ”Quinn, put your foot down”. Down and immediately up again. ”Quinn, put your foot down. If you put it on the table again, you will get a spanking.” Down and then immediately up again.
Alright. This one is mine.
I get up and I stand her on the chair and I repeat the incantation, “[FILL IN CHILD'S NAME HERE] [FILL IN ILL-FATED BEHAVIOR HERE] and now you’re getting a [FILL IN PUNISHMENT HERE ie SPANKING or TIMEOUT]” and then thwap-thwap-thwap! and then…
She is laughing at me. Full on laughing at me. A 20 month old is laughing at me directly after I’ve spanked her. My wife and I lock eyes and she covers her mouth because she’s about to start laughing and I look away because you can’t let the child think it’s a game. Instead, I put Quinn back in her chair and I say, “You just got a spanking because you put your foot on the–” and before I’m even done talking her foot is back on the table.
[INSERT PHRASE] THWAP! THWAP! THWAP! HAHAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHA!! Repeat eye lock and look away and HER FOOT IS BACK ON THE TABLE!!
My wife looks at me and whispers, “Harder??” and I pick up my daughter and Dear Heavenly Father I feel like a monster, I bend her over my knee and I spank her harder than I have ever spanked her before and her butt cheeks are red and I feel disgusting but I know / think / feel like I’m probably most likely doing the right thing and she begins to cackle and laugh and I turn her around and she’s smiling and her teeth are so white and she’s so happy and what is wrong with you child!
I put her back in her seat, pretending that I have some form of control on the situation and this time Quinnie Pig’s little pigs don’t return.
I can already tell that this is just going to get more and more interesting.
EVENT 2 - BOY
Rory has inevitably made a mess. ”Uh-oh” has recently become his go-to phrase for anything that he deems “Punishment Worthy”.
I intentionally turned my glass of milk upside down and spilled it everywhere. ”Uh-oh”.
I picked up the mouse from your desk and threw it on the ground. ”Uh-oh”.
I went into the bathroom, crawled onto the step stool and turned on the sink. ”Uh-oh”.
I’ve systematically created a giant, walking, talking robot that will destroy Japan. Millions will die. ”Uh-oh”.
Granted, that last one hasn’t happened… yet… but if it did, I’d bet the farm that that would be his response. We bend down next to him and say, “Rory, it’s only an ‘uh-oh’ if it was an accident” and he says, “Uh-oh” and we say, “No. that wasn’t an ‘Uh-oh’” and he says, “Uh-oh” and I suddenly feel like I’m talking to that guy from The Princess Bride that just keeps saying inconceivable.